Screwing With Her Lover
by xNatto
Summary: Kankurou catches Shikamaru at his house waiting for Temari. With a beer in hand, Kankurou decides it might be fun to screw with his sister's lover. Implied [ShikaTem]. One Shot.


**Screwing With Her Lover**

**Rating: T**

**One-Shot**

**PRENOTE:** _This is, in fact, my first one-shot. I came up with it in one day, wrote it in one day, and was happy to be rid of it in one day. As it so often seems to happen when I'm writing Shikamaru x Temari, the characters slip out of their normal selves a bit. If you're an up-to-date Naruto fan, you'll notice that Shikamaru's getting more mature anyways. So **there**._

_I would like your opinion on the format and execution of this story._

**XxxxX**

Temari was gone. Again.

Shikamaru Nara sat patiently in the main living room of the house where his lover shared a house with her siblings.

It wasn't like he wanted to be there alone, but ever since being appointed Konoha's Liaison to Suna, he found it was easier to spend time with her. Alone. On the couch. In the hall. On her bed. Wherever was convenient.

'Does she know I'm here?' he asked himself, glancing at the clock and regretting not have previously alerted her of his arrival.

As would often happen to this lazy-ass boy, he was bored. Bored out of his mind. He had been in this living room many times before, and was familiar with every object and detail in it. Except for that one creepy photo of her and her brothers. He'd rather not think about those over-protective sons-of-bitches while he made out with their sister on the couch.

Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure if they knew the two were… together.

He had to admit, it was a pretty easy-to-hide relationship, seeing as Gaara was the Kazekage, and Kankurou an elite jounin, the slave of his younger brother. That had to be annoying… your dumbass little brother telling you what to do. He was pretty sure Temari wasn't the only sand sibling who didn't take to authority well.

There was nothing left to contemplate.

The seconds ticked.

And ticked.

And kept right on ticking.

"Damn, that clock is annoying!" Shikamaru hissed under his breath. He tilted his head back and placed the back of his had over his tired eyes, in a very tragic-yet-lazy gesture.

Wheeeeen would Temari be home?

There was a noise outside the door. Shikamaru's heart leapt, in a weird, sort of pre-bypass-Chouji way. The key was put into the lock. And clicked. The person on the other side, preferably Temari, twisted the doorknob, only to find they had locked it.

A little bubble of amusement arose in Shikamaru, who hadn't locked the door after letting himself in. Oh, how many times that had happened to him…

"Damn! Fucking house cleaners…"

Shikamaru didn't listen to the rest. It didn't really matter.

Because the voice was male.

Panic rode through him like Temari's weasel on crack.

"Oh god, please don't be Gaara, please don't be Gaara, please don't be-"

The lock clicked, and in an absentminded act of desperation, Shikamaru took a lavender couch pillow off the cushion next to him and put it over his face.

There was a minute of silence. Shikamaru had no idea which brother of Temari's it was, nor his reaction to a random Konoha chuunin sitting on his sofa. With a beaded lavender couch pillow covering his face.

"…"

"…"

"That color suits you, Nara."

The tension that had been building in the poor Nara boy snapped. "I was- erm- just- I'm with-" his broken responses were muffled somewhat by the pillow.

"Relax, Pineapple head, I'm not going to murder you. Now, if you were naked, that would be another story."

Shikamaru sat still, humor not registering in his incredibly smart mind. 'Funny? Is the brother in question being funny?'

He began to lower the pillow. His face was pulled into a constipated expression, a la Naruto, except you could see his teeth. He didn't know, he had never seen Naruto constipated. (Lucky him)

"…."

A man who, from behind, looked much like a demented cosplay from a certain Andrew Lloyd Webber musical was helping himself to some beer from the fridge.

"Yes, well- erm…. You're not mad, you say?"

The man didn't respond, just pulled off his hood and cracked open his cheap beer.

He breathed a sigh of relief, collapsing from his erect posture and letting the parts of his spine that weren't fused turn to jelly.

"Actually, that's great. … I… I mean we… meant to tell you guys, but you were… you know… never home."

Kankurou dropped off Karasu in a room down the hall Shikamaru assumed was his own, and came back into the living room. He collapsed in the sofa opposite Shikamaru and set his beer on the clear glass coffee table.

"You weren't hiding anything." He grunted.

Shikamaru awkwardly scratched the back of his head. "Was it that obvious?"

"… Well … obvious to someone who has had some sort of romantic encounter before. Not obvious enough to alert 'lil brother though."

Shikamaru kept chanting to himself, "As long as Gaara doesn't know, as long as Gaara doesn't know…"

"I guess that's good…"

"…"

"…"

"And… you never minded? I mean, I honestly expected you to kick my ass." He laughed brokenly as Kankurou reached for his beer.

"Let me tell you something about Temari. "

"All right."

Kankurou laughed to himself. He had never seen Nara so alert. This could be… rather fun.

"She has turned down many men. So many that the line of Suitors Gaara has suggested was wiped out. She originally was part of an arranged marriage, you know."

It was a lie, but the middle sand sibling didn't care. Oftentimes, it seemed as though Temari was the younger sister – her boyfriends fresh meat to taunt.

Shikamaru didn't believe it at first. Somewhere was there a man he had helped Temari cheat on? Was he the 'other man'? Okay, that didn't sound too far off the Temari he knew. She could totally keep more than one guy going with a straight face. It wasn't long before his genius brain decided what her brother was saying was plausible.

"Yeah? And?"

"Well, one day, Temari came into Gaara's office, after having returned from a her job in Konoha." He took a swig of his beer. "And told him to break off the engagement. And you know what Gaara said?"

"What?" Shikamaru asked, assuming it was something along the lines of 'In your dreams, now get back to work'.

"He said…"

"…"

"He said, 'Fine, but you'll regret it'. All eerie and such."

"And how do you know this?"

"I was there, man! Are you questioning the man who just caught you waiting naked for his sister?" Kankurou grinned.

"I wasn't naked!"

"Or were you? My memory might… slip a bit when I tell this story to Gaara. 'And there he was, dear brother, laid out naked on the couch with chains, whips… all sorts of things to rape our dear sister with!'" he finished dramatically.

Shikamaru scowled. First of all, he seriously doubted Kankurou would call his siblings 'dear'. Second of all…

Okay, that sounded like the type of thing Gaara would believe.

"ANYWAYS, what does this have to do with me?"

"Are you kidding me? My little brother would pull out your guts and-"

"I meant the whole arranged-marriage thing."

"Oh. Well, her ex-fiancé is out to hunt you down, of course."

"Bullshit."

"Fine, don't believe me. It will become your legacy; they'll write it on your gravestone: Here lies Pineapple Head. The only man who didn't believe Kankurou-Sama."

"…"

"…"

"Who is this guy anyways? The alleged revengeful fiancé?"

"…Senior… Marshbanks."

"What?!?"

Kankurou doubled over with laughter. There was a while where all you could hear was Kankurou's slightly muggled laughter.

"You should have seen your face! S…Senior … Marshbanks!" Kankurou was choking on his own joke. Shikamaru silently hoped it was a lethal kid of choking.

"That wasn't funny,"

"Yes it was."

"I honestly thought for a moment I would have to compete for Temari."

Kankurou swallowed more beer.

"Well… I figure, if she liked you enough to keep you a secret from us, that you've got to be worth something, kid."

Shikamaru smiled at that. It was true. What his dad had said rang true in the back of his mind… "Even the toughest woman is tender to the guy she loves."

The beer must have gone to Kankurou's head. He was all wheezy, and humorless, like Chouji when he drinks. Not very pretty. And when you're with a drunk Chouji, his humor is screwed up. Like all those racist jokes make sense.

"But the real question is… do you know where she is now?"

"No. I figured out shopping, or something like that."

"Oh…You know… I kind of respect ya in a way, kid." Shikamaru wished he would stop calling him 'kid' in such a degrading way…

"How's that?"

"You went into this relationship knowing Temari was going to kick your ass every time you made a move on her. Knowing her brothers would beat you up if they found out… knowing there was going to be competition…"

"I thought you were joking!"

"I was."

"Then what the hell are you talking about?"

"I was joking about the _name_, pineapple brain."

Oh great so now it was pineapple BRAIN.

"Bullshit."

"Fine then. When you're lying outside the borders of Suna with a Kunai elaborately decorated with the Moroshirana family crest in your back…"

"Mornoshirana?"

"No, Moroshirana."

"Who cares about the name? I want to know who these people are!"

"The guy she was betrothed to, duh."

"I need names here." This was more attentive than Shikamaru had ever been in his entire life. If she was gentle, than he was alert.

Kankurou found Shikamaru's devotion to his sister sweet in the same way he found Akamaru's to Inuzuka. He was like her little love slave; her puppy…

"His name will be in the papers soon after your murder, I'm sure of it."

"Jesus Christ cat-boy, why can't you just tell me who he is?"

"Did you just call me cat-boy?" a small flare of alcohol-fueled anger swept across the eyes of the Magical Mr. Mystoffeles look alike.

"No."

"Forget it, I'm not telling you who he is. I'm surprised Temari doesn't talk about him more often. She's with him all the time."

Shikamaru felt as though he had been touching the metal prongs when plugging in the microwave.

"Liar."

"Remember the chains, pineapple boy."

So now his body parts were just part of the one big pineapple that was Shikamaru Nara.

Nice.

He had a hard time believing Temari would two-time him. However, she was, what - three years older than him? Not only that, she had been the first girlfriend he had slept with. A girl could get tired with inexperience (as he had learned with Ino.)

"I still don't buy it. Fine. Tell Gaara I raped your sister. I _still_ won't believe you."

"But you'll be doubly dead. From Monoshirana."

"I thought it was Moroshirana?"

"No, Monoshirana."

"BULLSHIT! IT WAS MOROSHIRANA!"

"It's going to be your fault for not believing me." Shikamaru was leaning over the coffee table, his finger pointed at Kankurou's forehead.

"I don't believe any of it."

"Good."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

But he ever got to know, seeing as Temari's sandals could be heard on the porch as she reached around for her keys.

Shikamaru sprang up faster than Ebisu in a porno shop and flung open the door.

There Temari was, standing on the porch, all flushed, her clothes looking a little ruffled, and she was wearing…lipgloss?

"Where…the hell were _you_?" Shikamaru asked slowly.

"What do you mean where the hell was I? Nice greeting, asshole!"

"You have **NO RIGHT** to call me an asshole! _I_ wasn't _cheating_!"

"Cheating… where the fuck…" Kankurou could hear the shouts from his room.

There was the sound of a new can of beer being opened, and the light fizzing, as it was sloshed around a bit.

"Serves the fucker right for leaving the door unlocked."

**Author's Noteh:**

FYI: There were CATS references ( a previous obsession of mine) like... twice.

So yeah, that's about it. The beginning was from Shikamaru's point of view. I don't think the two male sand siblings are sons-of-bitches at all – why would I be writing about them if I hated them? And I know that Temari can summon a _ferret_ not a weasel. If you're reading this, and you think I've gotten something wrong because I didn't know, chances are, you're going to be incorrect.

Love it.

Hate it.

I am in no way attached to it.

Heart! **Troublesome Natto**


End file.
